When the Fear of Missing Out becomes Real

Ask anyone today – especially those of the younger generation – and there is a very real – and dangerous – trend in the world: FOMO, or the “fear of missing out.” It’s an acronym that’s engrained itself into many of our lives or in the lives of people we know. Everywhere we look, we find our fellow humans staring at their phones, tablets, or computers, not wanting to miss out on the latest news or trends. Wanting to be the first to hear what’s happening in the world or within their circles, and not wanting to be left out of the loop, or the last to know, for sake of ridicule or even worse, being left behind. Sadly, this fear and can sometimes lead to one’s own downward spiral as when this fear requires you to “troll,” or internet stalk, friends, colleagues, and even sometimes complete strangers comparing their own lives with your own. It can cause people to refresh their pages or apps every eight seconds, because that’s about how short our attention span has become. This fear can begin to consume us because we know that if it ever becomes real, we will be left behind.

I know all too well this fear. This past weekend, a group of women from across the country (and maybe a few from different parts of the world) got together at the very first Hope*Writer’s conference in Charlotte, North Carolina. As a beginning writer, and new-ish member of the Hope*Writer community, I thought this would be a great experience to learn with like-minded individuals, and from fabulous authors and bloggers, including Emily P. Freeman, whose book, Simply Tuesday launched me into the world of Christian reading and reflection, and inspired me to step on this path to becoming an author of sorts. And at a very affordable price for a three-day workshop, it didn’t seem that crazy to travel across the country and away from my family for a few days.  But then, the airfare. It would be easily $1000 for a single roundtrip ticket from Hawaii to pretty much anywhere on the mainland, so this amazing dream remained that. A dream.

With a sigh of disappointment, I set it in my heart that God had a different plan for me, and that it was not yet my time to partake in workshops or conferences, and it was okay. My focus as a new stay-at-home mom was to concentrate on finding my new life balance between taking care of the home and kids, growing spiritually, and developing and honing my writing craft. So, from afar, I continued to work on my writing with my online community, and the sadness was quickly replaced with the excitement of new friendships with wonderful women across the country, whom I could totally identify with.

We came from all different points in our writing and blogging careers. Some of us were just learning to get consistent with our writing. Some of us were working on book proposals. Some of us were learning the more technical details of modern day writing. Some of us are introverts. Some of us are extroverts. Some of us are introverted extroverts. Some of us don’t even know what we are any more. (Or maybe that’s just me.) But I think that through this process of online meeting and greeting in our safe little community, what I’ve been really blessed with the most was the relationships that God threw into the mix for us.

I found my people…. BUT, they’re just. so. far. away.

As the months moved along, it wouldn’t be long before the buzz on Facebook became all about the H*W conference and who was meeting up with whom, and Instagram became flooded with beautiful pictures of road trips and friends meeting each other for the first time IRL. The FOMO began to set in as I trolled social media, and in an attempt to fight it, I’d write my comments to the tune of “so excited for you!” or “you gals look amazing!” And it’s true. I was and am so happy for each of my H*W friends who have this tremendous opportunity to learn and to grow. But in all honesty, there were tears. Because the fear of missing out had become real. I sat here a million miles away, literally missing out on what looked to be one of the best adventures ever.

The party was on. But my Daddy didn’t let me go.

Now, I could look up to our heavenly Father and throw a tantrum. Ask Him why I couldn’t go. Yell at Him, calling Him the meanest and worst dad ever. As much as my heart was feeling that, and as much as I wanted to just quit being a writer and shut off myself off from these people who now seemed to be moving even farther away – without me, there is something to be said about the mind and heart of a grown-up who has given it up to the Lord.

You see, in the past, I probably would have said those things, done those things, maybe even played the disobedience card and hopped on a plane using the last ounce of emergency savings to selfishly satisfy my own cravings. But I didn’t.

So now, I live in this moment, truly vulnerable and fighting off the enemy’s barrage of feelings of jealousy, envy, loneliness, and worthlessness. I turned off social media and looked to the Word for comfort. I happened to be in the middle of studying Paul’s letter to the Philippians, and while I cannot quite compare my physical situation to that of Paul’s, perhaps there some figurative similarities that can’t be overlooked.

Paul, at that time, was imprisoned. He was stuck in a cell. Meanwhile, his people were out there starting something new. They were building a church. They were obediently following the plan that God had for them. As scary as it was, they were working together, learning, doing, creating. (Sound familiar?) Paul, meanwhile, admitted his sorrow and anxiety from not only being in prison, but from being so far away from the people he cared for, wanted so desperately to work with. Despite his situation, it’s Paul’s attitude that stood out for me. He did not dwell on his situation, rather, he continued to use the gifts God had given him to do his work from where he stood. Though in chains, he was able to bring more people to Christ. Though imprisoned, he communicated with and advised the building of more and more churches. His work did not stop because of his situation. His faith never faltered. And neither should mine.

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me.

-Philippians 1:3-7

Yes, there is a time for sorrow, a time for grief, but we should not let it consume us. For there are so many things that await us. So many blessings already bestowed upon us, and more importantly, a work to be done. And if we fall into the pits of despair, not wanting to look up, the enemy consumes us with this loneliness, this worthlessness, this FEAR.

You see, friends, this FEAR of missing out, this FOMO, is nothing more than the tactic of the enemy. It consumes us with looking into the lives of others, comparing ourselves to them for validation. It leaves us wanting, lusting, after the things we think we want. But the TRUTH is that we have already been provided with more than what we NEED. We are already enough. We may feel imprisoned, or chained, at some point in our lives, feeling like we are unable to be with our “people.”

But our God will never forsake us, for He has built us for relationship. We are never really alone. It is only in our selfish rebellion that we push others away.

As I returned to my FB feed with a still saddened, but renewed heart, I came across a beautiful post from a fellow Hope*Writer, Karen Rutledge, who also could not attend the conference. Her very words captured the feelings in my heart and I could not have penned them better myself. Graciously, she allowed me to share them with you.

To the rest of my dear Hope Writers who couldn’t attend the workshop either.
Yeah, I get it. I feel a bit like the kid whose mom didn’t let her go the party. The next day at school, everyone’s talking about what a great time they had but she has nothing to add to the conversation and is sorry she missed out on the cake and the dancing and the fun.
Kind of tempting to feel sorry for ourselves, isn’t it? Tempting to let jealousy and doubt creep in.
It’s lonely work, this writing.
But let’s refuse the negative voices of doubt and jealousy and loneliness and remind ourselves that every day, there are people longing for words of kindness, hungering for words of encouragement, praying for a community where they feel heard and understood.
Let’s share our stories of sin and redemption, fear and faith, pain and healing. There’s a world out there waiting for your words of hope!

-Karen V Rutledge

THIS, my friends, is what it’s all about. If I had let the fear – the enemy – win, I would have not seen these beautiful words of hope from my gifted friend. I would have missed it. It’s not about searching for the want, it’s about finding the gifts. The posture of our hearts dictates what we can see and hear around us.

For everyone who has ever felt left out of something and wanted to just leave it all behind, my friend, we are not alone. And though we may feel sometimes that we are a million miles away from the “fun,” perhaps, there is “fun” that we need to bring to right where we are. Perhaps instead of seeking out the light, we need to realize that the light has been within us all along, and there is someone else, right here, that needs to see it. Or maybe, just maybe, our light has gotten so dim, we fear it’s nearly out and it feels like we’re grasping, trying to get to that one flicker off down in the distance, but we’re so focused on that one flicker, that we do not see that sitting right beside us is the Word. The Word that can fill our empty tank so that we can shine brightly once more.

I pray, dear friends, that you do not fear missing out of anything any more, because in our lives it is guaranteed we will miss out on countless experiences and opportunities not intended for us, but if we dwell in that fear, we will miss out on the wonderful and individual blessings God has scripted and sculpted for each and every one of us. Please don’t miss out on what He really has in store for YOU. 

~Jenn