Have you ever found yourself in a place in life where you wondered if God was for you?
Have you ever wondered if you could really be a “Christian”? And what does that even mean?
Have you ever wondered if this God that everyone talks about could really want you after all you’ve done in this life?
I have.
I grew up knowing about God. My family went to church most Sundays. I even had to go to confession most Saturdays. I was baptized, had my First Communion, and even went to Catholic school for three years of my young life. I enjoyed reading the pictures of bible stories, and imagined this Jesus character with his long hair and beard healing people, traveling by boat, and hanging with his friends. I even had to memorize the Stations of the Cross once. I can’t quite remember all 13(?) of them now, but there is one that sticks in my mind: the one where Jesus fell.
I knew about God. He created the world. He made people. He rested. Adam and Eve ate the apple and were kicked out of Eden. People became increasingly bad. So God initiated a flood. He saved Noah and some animals, but everyone else died. He punished the bad and provided for the good. He sent Jesus to earth as a baby. Jesus did some pretty cool things here on Earth, but Jesus died so we could go to heaven. God watches us from up above. Jesus is up there with him. Bad things happen. Good things happen. God keeps watching, deciding which ones of us gets to come up to heaven.
That pretty much sums up what I knew as I became an adult in this world. I didn’t really think there was much more to know about this being who supposedly created us all. He was just a part of the background of my life. But it wouldn’t be long until this idea of God moved to the forefront of my life. When I was 19 years old, this God decided my mother’s time on earth was finished. And I completely disagreed with him.
Who was this God that would take away a mother who modeled nothing but love and sacrifice?
Who was this God that would leave a loving husband alone in grief?
Who was this God that would take away my mother after already taking away my brother?
Who was this God that would leave me so broken and empty?
I was angry. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I began to wonder if this God was for me, or maybe this God was instead for everyone else except for someone like me. I began to think I had done something wrong and was no longer worthy of this God. And then I thought perhaps I should take up whatever I had left, put these stories of this God and this Jesus behind me, and just walk away.
And I did.
Friends, I wonder if you, too, have ever felt this way. Let me know if there a time in your life when you just wondered about God? Did you wrestle with the concept of God being for you, or if God even existed? Perhaps you knew of God, but didn’t really know God.
Or maybe you, or a friend, are going through a similar situation, and you just don’t know if this whole religious thing makes sense right now. I would love to hear from you! Discussion is so important, and no matter what you are going through, I want you to know you are not alone in all of this! Feel free to leave a comment below, send me a message. or even shoot me an email.
Until next time, dear friends,
~Jenn
Next Up on the Blog: Who is this “God”?
How I found myself drawn back to church to find out who God really is.
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