I missed my steps this morning. It’s not an official New Years resolution or anything, but anytime I start a new week, month, or year, I try to hit the restart on some of those “good habits” worth building. Habits like going to bed on time, drinking enough water, and moving my body every hour. And for ten hours every day, my FitBit tracker reminds me stay on track with that last one: 250 steps, and I achieve my goal.
A vibrating and mildly intrusive reminder zapped my wrist at 9:50, just as I was wrapping up my bible study for the morning. 130 more steps in 10 minutes? No problem. I turned back to journaling my reflections, not noticing myself getting lost in the moment. When my eyes drifted to my wrist device, it blinked 10:03 at me. I missed my step goal.
My heart dropped, and I was so overcome with disappointment in myself. It’s such an easy goal, and I couldn’t even do it on day two? What the heck, Jenn?! There goes the perfect week. Ugh. The month. And forget about trying to achieve that perfect year. Every kind of negative emotion brewed below the surface of my skin pulling me into a familiar downward spiral.
Grace.
I heard it loud and clear. After 30 seconds of self-badgering; after 30 seconds of forgetting who I was just devoting my time to; after 30 seconds of obliterating my self worth, I heard His whisper above the noise.
Grace.
I shushed my internal rant to listen closer.
Jennifer, do you know why you missed those steps?
Because I was doing my bible study. Instinctively my eyes gazed downwards to avoid the shame of my selfishness, of my misstep.
What was the better portion? There was no disappointment in His voice, but rather instruction, teaching, discipline…love. (Side note: I’m amazed at His choice of words. I love the Mary and Martha story, which I hadn’t read in a while. If you don’t know it, can be found in Luke 10:38-42, and apparently, He’s referencing the ESV version.)
Ugh. I knew He was right. But my competitive side wanted to argue my point. My ego wanted to see my watch light up in the 5 o’clock hour celebrating my achievement. My enemy wanted to bombard me with shame, guilt, and disappointment.
I took a deep breath, apologized to God…and with some reluctance, I apologized to myself too. Although I’ve allowed myself grace, I haven’t fully. I’d glance at my watch to see how my step counts were faring. 9 out of 10 hours is still not bad. I can still do 9 today. I just have to…Dear God, I haven’t learned my lesson, have I?
My pursuit to seek God first is not going to be easy. God’s not easing me into it either. There was no hesitation in Him showing me just where I’m missing the mark. I know there is nothing wrong with setting a goal. Nothing wrong with trying to accomplish them—especially if it’s to steward this body, God’s temple, well. But at what cost will I pursue these goals? And am I trying to do it under my own strength?
That’s the heart behind this Diary of a Wimpy Christian project. No one wants to admit to being wimpy. Even my tween daughter questioned my vocabulary choice. And rightfully so. Who would really want to identify with a word synonymous with weak, cowardly, feeble? But the truth is I am. Many of us are, but we cover our weakness with pride, competitiveness, judgement, and anything else that would cover our true selves. We hide our weaknesses by building up our egos, or tearing down others. No one wants to be weak. No one wants to be a wimp. But there is one who wants us to recognize it. He wants us to own it.
“But [Jesus] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 CSB
Jesus. He is strongest in our weakness.
So dear friends. Here I am. A Wimpy Christian. Writing to you, sharing my weakness shamelessly, if only to show you the power of Christ that resides within me—the same power that resides within you. And as we go through this human experience, may we be just like the Apostle Paul, in that knowing our weakness, we know our strength. And with Him, with His strength, we can do all things.
Maybe tomorrow, with Him, I’ll hit those 10 hours.
Lord,
Thank you for your grace and mercies that are made new for us each and every morning. Thank you for reminding me of your love and guidance that you have made available to me every single moment that I need it. Your faithfulness is never ending and I am so grateful to you. Jesus, you are strongest in my weakness. Help me to be weak so that You can be strong, and together, we can fulfill the greatness you have in store for us. Help me learn to live in Your strength and not my own, and to see myself as you see me: a wonderfully made child of God. I pray all this in the mighty and precious name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Amen.
Yes to this. All the boasting about weakness. ❤