Breath

Today, I begin a new chapter. Each breath always begins a new chapter, but today’s is a bit different. A bit more focused. Today, I begin with a breath. Not an involuntarily controlled breath, but rather a purposeful conscious breath.

Breathing shallow. Breathing deep. It helps me to center on the first gift God has blessed me with: His breath.

At first it is not easy to do. You would think it would be. After all, our bodies are wired to breathe automatically. And when it can’t, it will shut down everything else so that it can receive the oxygen it needs to survive. You literally lose your senses in a desperate attempt to breathe.

Without breath, we die.

Recently I noticed that even though my body was breathing at a regular rhythm, my soul was gasping for life. I wasn’t taking the time to let my soul breathe. The airways were cluttered with obligations, expectations, disappointments, and basically, a lot of junk.

I tried to regain my soul breath many times. I woke up early to sit in the quiet – just to fall back asleep. I sat down during the midday, after a caffeine boost – just to get distracted with the chore list of the day. I played quiet music to ease my mind – only to find it still constantly wandering. I needed help.

I got me a podcast that focused on breathing and being still. But the focus wasn’t on myself. Instead my focus was placed on God.

So as I lay still on my rather new yoga mat, on a clean spot of flooring amidst clutter and chaos, I listen to the gentle voice emanating from my earbuds.

Breathe.

Breathe into your upper cavity only. Focus on expanding the heart section. Okay, not the tummy breath, I get it. But then I begin to notice the difficulty getting a good, deep breath in the upper portion of my body. The muscles don’t move as fluidly the larger I try to expand my tense and unrehearsed cavity. This is going to take some practice!

Eventually we move to include the ab area, just above the tummy. It gets a bit rougher and there is a lot of jerkiness as I focus on both getting the air in and contracting the muscles that need to expand this area of my body. I start to feel a cramp in my upper back, and I turn ever so slightly to try to stretch the area out. Gosh, I may as well consider this today’s workout, and I wonder if that quiet space can ever be reached with all my concentration focused on breathing in and out, and on the voice seeping into my ears.

By the time we get to the whole deep breath, I’m a spazzing wreck: Air in. Expand. A little more air. A little more expansion. Do I have more space?  Yes. Oh. Wait. No! We’ve reached max capacity! Exhale! Exhale!! (Insert sound of deflating air mattress here.) I am prompted to do it again. And again. Focusing on the breath, yes. But focusing on the blessingof the breath as a gift from our Heavenly Father.

As I breathe in, the jerkiness eases and I feel the Spirit fill me. As I breathe out, I feel the expectations of the world, the expectations of myself, the stress, anxiety and worry release.

Before I know it, the 23 minute podcast gently lead to a stillness – a peaceful quiet, and now I lay in silence. It’s unbelievably beautiful. Should I talk to God? I wonder. Or maybe I should just lay here quietly and wait for Him to speak to me. Hey, God, I whisper. Thanks for the breath. A smile begins to form on my lips and I’m slightly uncomfortably aware of it, but overcome with immeasurable joy and peace at the same time. It was – and I hesitate to say this for fear it might sound too cliche – quite heavenly.

This. This is the quiet space God has designed for me.

And then just like that, as soon as I am aware of the moment, the moment is gone and thoughts begin to flood back into my mind like the Red Sea crashing over the Egyptians in the wake of the Israelites’ escape.

The quiet was not meant to come easily on the first go. Nor was it meant to stay for an extended period of time. Not yet anyway. It’s something meant to work at. To practice. Much like walking, there will be stumbles and trip ups along the way. But it will not become natural unless I do it consistently.

Breath. One of the two most important bodily functions, but the only one that brings us true life. For before we took our first breath, He first breathed into us.

Is it worth taking the time to teach our souls to breathe? Oh, yes. Will it be hard? Oh, yes. But without breath, there is no life.

Thank you, God, for this breath. For Your breath. For life.